A Fresh Start

Usually we save our "fresh start" speeches and declarations for New Year's, but I am in need of a real fresh start and so there is no time like the present, or so they say. My life has been crazy to put it mildly. My walk with God has been a roller coaster. My love for others and myself has been poor. It's time to take responsibility, ask for forgiveness and move on. Throughout the last 10 years, I have been to places emotionally and literally i never thought i would go or survive. I have done acts that i declared i would never, have hurt and lost people i can never get back, and done more damage to myself and those I love and care about than I can fathom. All of that happened and I'm a christian. Some might doubt that, I don't blame you, there were periods in there that I myself doubted it. I can tell you that at age 14 i did accept Christ as my savior. I believe wholeheartedly in forgiveness, compassion, mercy and grace because i so desperately need it in my own life and am profoundly aware of how much i do not deserve it but God pours it on me, nevertheless. I feel like the past few months have been an awakening in many senses. I have discovered truths about those i love and myself that rip my heart wide open and I am broken because of it. I have said and done things to people I love, that i never thought possible...and in return have recieved actions and hurt that I never thought i would have to endure. I will not be specific or name names because it's private, however if in any way God can use all of the horribleness for His glory, then i will share my lessons and heartaches with you all. Where do I start? I have been through a horrible divorce, completely my fault, lost family, struggled in a new marriage in ways i never thought and faced the death and illness of many i love and care about. When my first marriage ended in 2004(the divorce wasn't actual until 05), I had a nervous breakdown complete with hospitalizations. That in turn lead to a 3 year misdiagnosis and overcoming side effects of medications i didn't need. The fact that everyone didn't walk away from me during this time is astounding to me. I remarried in 2006. My marriage was rocky for a long time to say the least and we have had battles beyond my imagination. There were times i didn't think i would make it, but God's grace and mercy always prevails. I lost 2 uncles, one grandparent, struggled with relationships within my family and friends, fought with family and friends, all in this 10 year time span that felt like sooo much longer. I am 34 and finally getting my life together, though it is not through anything i have said or done, but all because of God's love and mercy. My heart breaks when i think of all the past events and the 1000 things i wish i could do differently, but all that i can really do at this point is repent and move on. Which brings me to some research i've done lately and let me share some of the definitions and info. i found.




Forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentments and thoughts of revenge. Forgiveness is the act of untying yourself from thoughts and feelings that bind you to the offense committed against you.Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. When we're unforgiving, it's we who pay the price over and over.

It may also be helpful to reflect on times you've hurt others and on those who have forgiven you. As you recall how you felt, it may help you to understand the position of the person who hurt you.

Your hostility, resentment and misery have made way for compassion, kindness and peace.

we have to be willing to forgive ourselves.



Accept the fact that you — like everyone else — aren't perfect. Accept yourself despite your faults. Admit your mistakes. Commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect

Compassion is the ultimate and most meaningful embodiment of emotional maturity. It is through compassion that a person achieves the highest peak and deepest reach in his or her search for self-fulfillment. Christ stressed love, honesty, justice, diligence, active caring for others, and reconciliation. Christ made it clear that the relationship with one's neighbors was the key sign of the health of one's relationship with God



Repentance is a change of thought and action to correct a wrong and gain forgiveness from a person who is wronged.



Hard lessons to learn, hard lessons to recieve. My prayer to God is that i may truly embrace His forgiveness and to seek forgiveness from those i have wronged, to live a life of compassion from this point forward because i have now walked in those shoes, and to truly repent and show repentence in my life. Everyone will not forgive the wrong you have done to them, another hard truth to receive. It takes a long time to repair relationships with those who have wrong you and you them even when they are willing to forgive and reconcile. Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting. Letting go is the hardest thing I have ever done. Blessings however are pouring down with God's love. He has healed my current marriage and is shaping and molding us, something i thought might be impossible. I am in school and actually going to finish and become a nurse. I have a loving family, though trying at times, and we are trying to work out our differences and just love each other. I have some of the best friends ever, God has placed some true angels in my life. I am reconnecting with some I haven't spoken to in a long time but are an inspiration and encouragement in my life. Miracles still happen. God can still use you, bless you, love you. Learn from your mistakes and move on...truly repent and seek forgiveness and there will be healing. Count on God to be who He says He is.



So today, God and I are going forward together, Him leading the way, and i'm praying for strength to do His will and bring Him glory. I hope something I have shared helps someone else. Until another blog...peace and grace to all of you.